Secrets in the Silver: Kurt Hummel's Journal
by keryonnaluvsyou
Summary: Kurt's world starts to tumble when his secret gets out
1. Chapter 1

**June 30, 2010**

I am officially done. I'm done with school. I'm done with his house. I'm done with his friends. I'm done with life. I'm done with Blaine.

Okay, well, that last part isn't entirely true. I love Blaine more than words on pages can even show. It isn't Blaine that was the problem, either. It is me.

I'm not perfect, and I'm was tired of having to live up to other people's expectations. This world is full of douchebags and I have to live in it. I can't become what I want in Lima. And when I go to New York, Blaine can't follow me. Life officially sucked. It doesn't help that the world won't accept my religious views, my sexuality, my hair, my voice. They can't accept Kurt Elizabeth Hummel.

I was slushied, pushed into a locker, called a fag, Mercedes got the solo I wanted, and I was outshined by Rachel, and called a liar, and had my secret found out…all in day.

It all started when I realized I had a problem last night. The fucking perfect disaster that holds me down. I decided to tell someone. I didn't want to tell Blaine, because I didn't know if Blaine would leave me or be overprotective. He may try to stop it, and I don't want to stop and go through withdrawal, and I don't want to kill myself, anyway. I only wanted to find a way to cope, and I found it. So, I went up to Mercedes and she couldn't have been bitchier about it.

"Kurt. Stop looking for attention. If this is about that solo that I got instead of you, I'm not giving it up. Honestly. Making up something, like cutting yourself, that real people struggle with, every day, just because of a solo." She said than walked away.

After that, I started walking down the hall almost in tears, when I got shoved into a locker. Fucking great.

"You tell anybody, I will kill you" Karofsky whispered into my ear.

I literally felt so trapped and alone in the world, it was eating me alive. I went into the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and started crying, I didn't even care that I was missing English. I was staring at the scars that I had on my thighs, as the ones on my wrists were covered in foundation, when I heard someone enter the bathroom. I immediately tried to stop crying when that person saw my shoes.

Fuck my designer shoes.

"Kurt?" I heard my boyfriend ask "Is that you?"

"Yeah" I said. I'm many things, but I'm not a liar, and I'm not going to start now.

"Why are you crying?" Blaine asked

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Why?"

"It's personal"

"I won't tell anybody. C'mon Kurt, I love you so much, I refuse to judge you, and all your flaws make me 100% luckier to be your boyfriend"

"No" I told him

"Fine, well I'm coming in and I will make you talk to me" He said

'Shit, my pants' I thought

I started pulling them up, but it was too late. Blaine had already seen my scars. I felt even worse, especially when he opened the stall door and went to class. I left the bathroom and went to English. My phone vibrated in my pocket and the message was from Blaine.

"We will talk later. Sorry for running out, I had to get back to class, and take this in. I love you baby, and if you think I'm mad, or leaving you, I'm not." The text said.

End of Chapter One


	2. Chapter 2

June 30, 2010 cont'd

'Great' I said to myself. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it with Blaine. It was a good feeling that he won't leave me, though. I don't know why I was so scared about it, but maybe it was because not many people like me, and finding someone who will love me, through everything, is something that I'm still getting used to.

When I got home, Blaine was already there. _Great_. I didn't want this day to happen. I didn't even want him to know. If Mercedes wasn't such a douchebag about it, and had actually listened to me...I thought she was my friend, too. I saw Blaine sitting on the hood of his car and texting someone. I walked up behind him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Who are you texting?" I asked him.

"Finn" he replied.

"Why?"

"I wanna know when he is gonna be home, so I know if we have to go to my house" He answered

"Oh...Baby, I don't really wanna talk about it. I honestly didn't even want you to know. I told Mercedes and she called me a liar. God, I'm pissed at her, you don't even know" I told him

We went inside and sat on my bed, cuddling.

"I love you, Kurt. I really am sorry for this morning when I ran out of the bathroom." Blaine said

"I know. You know, Blaine, this is embarrasing, but I didn't want to tell you because I was scared you would break up with me..." I said

"I would never break up with you. Especially because..." He trailed off

"Because..."

"I'm scared of the same thing" Blaine said as he rolled up his sleeve to unveil various scars.

"Oh, Blaine..." I said and started to kiss his scars

"At least your scars make you more beautiful, and you don't have to worry about people seeing them. You cut on your legs, I cut on my wrists. That's one reason why I liked Dalton. The blazers covered the scars. Now, I have to wear long sleeve shirts." Blaine told me

"Actually..." I said and walked over to the sink and washed the foundation off of my wrists to show him the scars that went up all the way to my elbows, on both sides.

"Whoa" I heard _2 _voices say...wait 2?

I turned around and Finn was standing behind me with Rachel.

"Fuck you" I said and ran out to my car with Finn and Blaine following me.

"Kurt! Kurt! _KURT!" _I heard Blaine yelling behind me.

_"WHAT?!_" I snapped

"I told Blaine I would be back at 5. I forgot something and I was just gonna ask you if you knew where it was...It wasn't Blaine's fault. He knew he had enough time, it was my fault. I won't tell anybody, but I don't know about Rachel. You know her" Finn said

"_Hey!_" Rachel said. "Mercedes already knows. She told me that you were trying to make her feel sympathetic about nothing"

"She better not have told anybody else" I said

"Actually...she told everybody" Rachel informed me.


	3. Chapter 3

une 30, 2010

I was in such a state of shock, you don t even know.

She what? I asked, wondering if I had heard Rachel right She texted this during lunch, to basically everyone she said and showed me her phone

From: Mercedes Message: Hey guys, guess what Kurt told me this morning. He was so jealous that I got that solo that he had to start a rumor to draw attention to himself. He said that he self harms. I can t believe he would say something like that. I thought we were friends.

Oh my fucking god. Rachel, did you believe her? I asked, pissed at Mercedes.  
No. Well, I thought that she was trying to make the universe hate you for her benefit and then I thought about it, and if you had said it to her, then it must be true. So, I was hoping that you hadn t even said anything. She said and looked at my scars. I flinched Wait, how come I didn t get one, or Finn? Blaine asked, confused.  
I have had my phone off all day Finn said I don t think she has your number, and if she did, she probably wouldn t have told you because she most likely didn t want Kurt to know she was telling people. Plus, she knows you better than interpreting that you would break up with Kurt, or turn on him Rachel said

We went back upstairs to my room. Blaine sat on my bed, holding me in his arms, and Finn and Rachel sat on the couch. They looked at me like they had so many questions.

Blaine, Rachel, you can stay over. I m sure you have lots of questions. But, I have a feeling this night is gonna end with explanations, a fight with Mercedes, and me probably crying. I said.

I still think they are going to try to make me stop. I just don t want to stop. I have blades in my bag if they decide to search my room.

It got really tense and I decided to break the silence.

You aren t gonna take my blades away, right I asked really quiet.  
I want you to get better, but I know that it won t help to take them away. I was thinking, that when you have a bad day, instead of inflicting that pain on yourself, you talk to me, or them if you want. You could write down your thoughts in a journal, or listen to music. I honestly think that if you get your feelings out some other way than hurting yourself, it will do you a lot more good than bad. Blaine said.

Finn looked at him really funny. Like, he knew something that Blaine hadn t told him.

Blaine, you re not telling me something. That s like, therapist good advice, like, you ve experienced it before... Finn said

Well...nobody said I hadn t experienced it before. Blaine said.  
FINN. RACHEL. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF YOU TELL MY DAD OR CAROLE, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A LONG FRIGGEN PAINFUL DEATH I kinda half yelled. Okay, I yelled.  
Tell us what? Carole asked. How the fuck did she just magically enter? Screw timing. 


End file.
